So, 2008 really, really kicked my ass. This was the most difficult year that I believe I've ever had, and I believe I've had some biggies. Many are happy to see 2008 go, but from what I've seen and heard, most of that sentiment came from the events that have unfolded in the economy in the last 5 months or so.
Oddly, the last 5 months have been the best part of 2008 for me, which tells you just how shitty the first 7 were.
The end of December 2007 brought miscarriage #3. My body revolted, and refused first to let go of the dead baby and then to stop bleeding. From that physical multi-car pileup I drifted straight into a spiral of severe depression. Getting fired for not getting well quickly enough. Public humiliation of getting sacked. Inability to interact with other humans without Xanax. Moments looking down at my assortment of bottles and really understanding why someone would swallow all of them. Staying in pajamas for days at a time. No sleep, no food, no bath, no future. Husband making quiet phone calls to hospitals and crying for his loss of not only a baby but his wife.
Just typing those incomplete sentences has made my chest tight, my eyes fill with tears and my teeth clench together. Reading posts I made back in December, January, February, etc., I see just how bad my game face was. I was a complete wreck, but thought I was holding myself together nicely.
Reflecting on those months, I feel sorry for that woman. She was broken and bruised and needed so very very much. She needed her family, husband, friends to wrap her up in a blanket and rock her, and they tried and sometimes succeeded. I wish I could go back and brush her hair and let her know that it's not all bullshit, that time really does heal all wounds and she would be able to smile without the artifice of social obligation once again.
Months in the mountains on the river, with physical, rather than mental, work allowed me to heal. I itched mosquito bites and got sunburns and started running again. I washed dishes and made cookies and drove trucks with trailers miles and miles. I did laundry, pulled weeds, and waded in the river. I took afternoon naps. I read books. I started to think I was attractive again. I stayed up late with friends around a fire and told silly stories and drank wine and smoked cigarettes and looked at the stars. I loved my husband. I loved myself.
In September, the people I thought had abandoned me would not leave me alone. They called, they e-mailed, they told me that they needed me to do this job, that I was the one they wanted out of all of Montana, and could I please start straight away with this fantastic salary and health benefits and a car allowance and cell phone and my own hours? I didn't want to go, but I knew that as the leaves were turning on the river, the summer was over, and I was strong again. Not as strong as I would be in a few months, but stronger than I had been, and strong enough.
I just returned from a trip to Costa Rica. When we began planning that trip over a year ago, I expected it to be the trip that would dominate the year - the big story. It was not, but it was just what it needed to be. I needed that trip, and while I will show you photos of the dolphins, mountains, people, beaches, sunsets, and all the things that made me smile, I do not consider the trip to be the story of 2008.
The story of 2008 is me, and all the people who love me and hold me dear enough to them to keep calling me even when I don't call them back, don't e-mail them back, and don't answer the door when they knock. Without those people I would be dust right now, and I'm so very happy I'm not.
I have held my tongue when others chat or blog about what a PAIN the holidays are and how HAPPY they are that they're almost over and how TIRED they are, and it frustrates me.
I didn't decorate one stitch, didn't host one party, didn't attend one function thrown by aquaintences or friends who I don't have on speed-dial. I didn't wrap presents, didn't bake cookies, didn't drink too much or eat too much. Christmas happened anyway, and it was just lovely. I held babies, ate nice dinners, taught a niece to knit, laughed with my siblings, sang my with my family to a silly musical, slept with my husband, slept in, smiled at store clerks, shoveled my neighbor's walk, and said no many, many times. No to invites, no to functions, no to after-whatever-sales, no to another sweet, no to another glass of wine, no to a sleeping pill.
I think this has been the best Christmas yet. Others had more gifts and more visiting and more dresses, but others didn't have the utter inky black hole behind them.
I don't know what 2009 will bring, but my list of wants has changed significantly since I was making this list of wants in 2007. I want my family to stay healthy. I want my marriage to flourish. I want to take more steps toward expanding our family, whether that be adoption or fertility treatments. I want to have enough money to pay my bills and keep my house warm and buy the occassional treat for one of my many friends. I want to meet interesting people and talk about interesting things. I want to pick myself up when I stumble, and to help someone else up when they stumble. I want to be a friend.
Happy New Year, Indeed.
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